Fangs for Nothing (Vampire Hunting and Other Foolish Endeavors) Read online

  I did as I was told. Actually, what he fed me tasted pretty good, like angel food cake or something. Once he was sure I’d swallowed, he whispered in my ear, “Now, I’m going to let go, but you’ve got to keep quiet. Got it?” I nodded, and he took his hand off my mouth. I glared at him through the dim lighting. We were still under the bridge, and I had apparently decided to take a little nap. “Now listen,” Xander said. “We have got to find the girls and get out of here. This whole place is crawling with wannabe vampires.”

  “What are you talking about?” I grumbled. All I wanted to do was put my head back on the tasseled pillow I’d somehow acquired and continue my nap on the floor of the train station. There were plenty of kids all around me doing the exact same thing, and I saw no reason to move.

  I tried to put my head back down and close my eyes, but Xander wasn’t having it. He stuffed more of the white cake into my mouth. “Come on. Eat a little bit more, and listen to me.” I didn’t want his hand over my mouth again, so I complied. He went on, “Do you remember anything at all after the choosing?”

  I propped myself up on one elbow. My head throbbed, but I was feeling a little better. “Kind of…” I gave it some thought.

  Short Vincent was a vampire. He made no pretense as far as that was concerned. And he was hungry. “My lust for blood,” he had said, “is excruciating. I remember puberty, and it feels like those longings times a thousand.” But being immortal and ridiculously handsome had certain disadvantages. The problem was that a local population tended to get a little angry if there was a resident who was constantly sucking the blood out of random townsfolk who happened to be walking home alone at night. And continuously fleeing the torches and pitchforks of an angry mob grew quickly tiresome as he told it. So a couple of decades ago, Vincent came up with a new plan. All blood he ingested was donated on a voluntary basis. In fact, he wasn’t even asking us newbies to just hand it over for free. He had something to offer in return. “Beauty,” he’d explained. “Savoir-faire. By letting me drink from you, I will bestow you with the confidence to walk into a crowded room and feel the satisfaction of every eye turning to gaze upon you. To admire you. To wish to know you. I can give you that certain je ne sais quoi that separates the Chosen from ordinary mortals. That is the gift… no, the treasure, that I offer you for what really only amounts to a few pints of blood each month.”

  All we had to do was sign a teeny tiny little contract stating that with our full and open knowledge and consent we were willing to exchange blood for popularity. It was that simple. Vincent even had a smoking hot notary in a tight skirt present to make it official. A glimpse of her breasts in a push-up bra, thinly veiled by a semi-translucent blouse, was almost enough to make me sign on the dotted line.

  Miss Frizzy Blonde could barely contain her excitement. She signed the blood contract and thrust it at the notary in two seconds flat. “I’m ready!” she shouted. “I’ve signed. I’m aware of the consequences of my actions. Now bite me. Please, bite me!” She practically flung herself at the vampire and had to be physically restrained by one of the beefy boys.

  I have to admit, it sounded like an incredibly good deal. To have girls falling all over themselves just to talk to me. To have Xander-like animal magnetism and be able to sail through life without the fear of chronic rejection. All I had to do was hand over a little blood once in a while. Hell, I’d donated blood a couple of times through school blood drives, and all they’d offered was orange juice and sugar cookies. And here was, for all appearances, a very nice vampire offering me the deal of a lifetime for the same price. It sounded too good to be true.

  And that’s what made me hesitate. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I could hear the echoing of Grandma’s voice: “If a deal seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” That’s when I noticed all the fine print at the bottom of the blood contract. Tons of it, actually. And it said some pretty scary stuff. For example, “Donating blood to a vampire may lead to significant shortening of life, severe impairment of quality of life, sudden termination of life, or extreme loss of life.” That gave me cause for concern. Even in my addle-headed state, I knew that sudden termination of life didn’t sound like a good deal.

  “What time is it?” I asked as Xander helped me to my feet.

  “I don’t know. Sometime after three, I guess.”

  “Three?” I wailed. “Grandma’s going to kill me.”

  “You’ll sneak in,” Xander told me as he brushed me off and smoothed down my clothes. “Now tuck in your shirt. Everything is going to be fine.”

  “Where were you? Having fun with the beautiful people?” I was feeling sulky.

  “I wouldn’t exactly call it fun.” Some of the passed-out Chosen started to stir, and Xander dropped the volume of his voice. “I was feeling really out of it, so that guy gave me some of that white cake. There’s a ton of it in a back room. Anyway, once my head cleared, I started really listening to what people were talking about. Did you know everyone down here is an apprentice vampire or something like that?”

  “What?” I was feeling better, but I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him correctly.

  “Yeah, I guess when that Vincent guy drinks from you, some of his saliva gets in your blood. It does something to you, like… I don’t know. It somehow makes you more desirable. The more he drinks off of you, the hotter you get. I guess it’s kind of addicting in a weird way. But after a certain point, you just become a vampire. That or you drop dead.”

  “Dead?” I asked in a loud whisper.

  “Yeah. Either way, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be down here.”

  I tried to absorb what Xander had just told me. I guess that explained all the mega-hot people that were hanging around. And why some people had been so eager to sign their blood contracts. “What else did you learn?” I pressed, feeling like most of the champagne was out of my system.

  “I’ll tell you the rest when we’re in the car. Let’s just find the girls and get out of here. Where are they?”

  He caught me dumbfounded. “How should I know?”

  “You were with them. I got taken away,” Xander accused.

  This made me sputter. “Taken away. Oh, I’m sorry. Were you unable to escape Mr. Helpful Purple Jacket?”

  “Quiet.” Xander shushed me. “Just focus on finding the girls.”

  Right then I felt a hand gently squeeze my ankle. I looked down to see Lana curled into a sleepy little puddle. “Hey.” She smiled at me dreamily. “Where have you been?”

  Xander was at her side in an instant. “Lana, are you okay? Where’s Rini?”

  Lana took a long, luxurious stretch. “Rini?” she said absentmindedly. “I don’t know.”

  She tried to go back to sleep, but Xander hoisted her by her shoulders and gave her a firm shake. “Lana, focus,” he said in a voice that was both yelling and a whisper. “Where is Rini?”

  “Seriously, I don’t know,” she whined. “She went off with that vampire.”

  Xander stiffened. “Sherbie.” He grabbed me. “Here, take this.” He pulled a wedge of white cake out of his jacket pocket. “Eat some more and give some to Lana. But remember to save some for Rini.”

  “Okay…” I accepted the mangled cake.

  “Get Lana to the car.” He handed me the keys to the Dart. “Stay close to the church, and wait for me. If I’m not there in twenty minutes, then just take off.”

  My brain had started working again, and I wasn’t feeling one hundred percent comfortable with Xander’s plan. “Take off? What am I supposed to do?”

  Xander shook his head. “I don’t know. Tell a cop or something.”

  “Tell a cop…” I shook my head and gave a rueful chuckle as I visualized sailing into a police station and explaining that my two best friends were being held captive by a vampire under the Detroit-Superior Bridge. “What are you going to do?”

  Xander straightened his spine, a look of sheer determination branded across his face. “I’m going to go get Ri
ni.”

  Chapter 18

  Carrying a half unconscious girl is not as easy as it looks in the movies. I know the leading man is always able to whisk the girl up in his arms and carry her over-the-threshold style out of a burning building or whatever, but let me tell you, it’s a lot of work.

  Lana seriously did not want to eat the cake that Xander had left us, but the dessert had somehow cleared my head, so I knew it was important that she at least eat a little. When she refused, I tried Xander’s ploy: I gave Lana a really hard pinch and when she protested, in went some cake. But when I clamped my hand over her mouth to ensure she swallowed it, Lana bit me really hard. It had never even occurred to me to bite Xander, which I guess makes me a bit of a pussy. Anyway, eventually I got her to eat a bit of cake, and then I tried hauling her out of there. She’s not a heavy girl or anything, but after some initial attempts to look gallant, I ended up falling back on the fireman’s carry. It’s not sexy and really not comfortable for the person being carried, but it gets the job done.

  There were so many kids sleeping on the floor that I had to pick my way through so as not to step on any of them. I figured the shriek of a guy who had just had his hand stepped on might set off a few alarms. By the time I got Lana to the top of the staircase, I had to put her down and take a break. Her head was clearing, and I even managed to persuade her to eat a little more cake. “Did you sign that contract?” she asked after swallowing her third or fourth bite.

  “No.” I shook my head. “Did you?”

  She pursed her lips and thought about it for a moment. “I don’t think so.” Then she added, “I wanted to, and I was going to, but then all these super hot guys started flirting with me and trying to get me to sign, and that made me really suspicious.”

  “Oh, yeah.” I had a vague memory of Violet Girl repeatedly putting a pen in my hand. She kept saying something about how if I signed then we could be together. But I just couldn’t get past all that fine print.

  Lana sat up a little straighter, her head obviously clearing. “So what are we doing now?”

  “I’m taking you to the car. Xander’s going to find Rini.”

  Lana looked up, her eyes made enormous with concern. “Where is she?’

  “You said you thought she was with the vampire.”

  Lana’s hand flew to her mouth. Biting her knuckle, Lana nodded several times. “I think I was right. She wanted to… you know… and let the vampire…” Tears began to slide down her cheeks. “I think maybe she signed it. I think she signed the blood contract.”

  “Shit,” was all I could think to say.

  Lana struggled to get to her feet. “We have to go help Xander.”

  “He said to wait for him at the car.”

  “No.” Lana wobbled as she tried to head back down the stairs. “Rini’s still in there. We’ve got to help him.”

  “Listen.” I reached out and steadied her before she tumbled on her head. “You’re in no shape to fight a vampire.”

  “Oh, and you are?” She tried to swipe my hand away, but miscalculated its position by a good four inches.

  “No, but you’re right. I can’t just leave my friends in there.” I tried to gauge how steady she was after having had some of the cake. “Do you think you can find the car?”

  “Probably.” She nodded. “Just look for the steeple, right?”

  “That’s right.” I handed her the keys. “Go sit in the car. Get it started and be ready.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  Sighing, I gestured back down the stairs toward the nest of aspiring vampires. To be honest, I really, really didn’t want to go. I didn’t so much as have a wooden spoon to defend myself. But I knew if something happened to my friends and I hadn’t at least tried to save them, I would never forgive myself.

  Tears started crisscrossing down Lana’s cheeks again, and I knew I had to head back into the lion’s den before my will began to crumble. “Wait,” she said as I turned to leave.

  “What?”

  She kissed me then, and it was wonderful. Just like in the movies where the girl kisses the hero for luck. Okay, I was only the hero by proxy, but I’d take the kiss nonetheless. The soft, salty, tearstained kiss. “Be careful,” she whispered.

  “See you at the car,” I said, doing my best to sound brave before pulling away from her and hurrying down the stairs. I didn’t look back.

  I knew vaguely which direction Xander had headed in search of Rini. What the hell was she thinking signing that damn contract? She’d obviously lost her mind or come down with a case of vampire fever or something. Winding my way through sleeping Chosen, I headed for the area behind the large ornate chair where we’d originally seen Short Vincent. There were some doors back there, and I figured Rini was probably behind one of them. And so was the vampire, but I tried not to make that my focus. There was some rust-colored sticky stuff that had splashed on the ground by the vampire’s throne, and I was very keen to avoid stepping in it.

  As I peered into the gloomy area behind the chair, I could make out three doors. In the old days, I’m sure they were offices or whatever for the people who worked at the station. I figured I would press my ear to the doors and try to identify which room contained my friends. If I was lucky, no one would catch me.

  The center of the three doors burst open. There was Xander cradling an unconscious Rini in his arms. “Sherbie,” he called in a hoarse whisper. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came back for you.”

  “That was stupid. We’ve got to get out of here.” We started hurrying across the room of slumbering teenagers. “Where’s Lana?” he whispered.

  “At the car.” I narrowly avoided stepping on a girl who rolled over and slid her arm just where I was about to place my foot. “She was feeling better, so I told her to go.” Rini wasn’t moving too much, and there was something dark red staining her blouse, so I asked, “Is Rini okay?”

  “I don’t know.” Xander glanced down at her. “She’s really out of it.” Xander, naturally, had no problem carrying Rini in the classic hero way. In my defense, Xander is bigger than me, and Rini is smaller than Lana.

  I guess looking at Rini caused Xander not to be so cautious about his feet because with his next step, he crushed the ankle of some sleeping dude, and the dude was not very happy about it. “Ouch! Watch it, you lousy fuck!”

  “Sorry,” Xander whispered as he kept hurrying on.

  “Where are you guys going?” the dude asked, still obviously cross.

  “Um, nowhere,” I said hastily. “Just getting some air.”

  I guess that was the wrong answer because suddenly the dude was shouting, “Hey! Stop them! They’re trying to get away!”

  This, of course, rousted the whole room. Xander and I gave up our attempts not to trample on anybody and just started running flat out for the door. The dude kept his big mouth flapping. “They’re stealing a girl. Stop those guys. They’re trying to steal that girl. Stop them!”

  The muddle-headed Chosen began to rise. I thought that I could maybe explain that we weren’t stealing anyone, but a few of the kids that were less hung over than the rest were jumping to their feet, and a lot of them looked pretty feisty. I wanted to lay on the speed, but Xander couldn’t run nearly as fast with Rini in his arms, so I clapped my arm around his back and tried to propel them both forward. “Go. Go without us!” Xander yelled at me.

  “No!” I yelled right back.

  “Just go. Start the car. I’ll get her out.”

  I didn’t want to leave them, but starting the car sounded like a really good idea. I hoped that Lana still had the keys and had actually found the car. Otherwise, we were screwed. I could at least try to give my friends a better lead before making a break for it, so I grabbed a couple of candelabras and chucked them at the closest of our assailants. They fell back and also felt the need to stamp out the flames, giving Xander a few extra feet. After that, I put on the steam and bolted past them, praying that leaving Xa
nder and Rini to get the car started was the right thing to do.

  I was up the stairs, out the door, and bolting down the overgrown path in a matter of seconds. Just as I was about to charge across the street, a car’s headlights caught me in the eyes as a vehicle came careening toward me. I tried to backpedal, but I was going too fast and only ended up falling on my ass in the street. The driver jammed on the brakes inches from creaming me. I was looking straight at the bumper of a vintage Dodge Dart. Xander’s car.

  Lana leapt out and skittered around to the front of the car. Dropping to her knees, she clutched my shoulders. “Are you okay?”

  “Fine. I’m fine.”

  Lana scanned the path behind me. “Where are Xander and Rini?”

  “They’re coming. I was supposed to get the car.” I scrambled to my feet. “Get behind the wheel.” I opened the passenger door and flipped the seat forward for easier access so we could all cram in. “I’m going back for them. If the mob drags us down, just take off.”

  As I ran, I could hear her shouting after me. “Mob? What mob?” I didn’t stop to explain. In another few seconds, she was going to find out.

  I flung myself back up the path only to almost collide with Xander as he was barreling toward me. “Take her!” he shouted, shoving Rini in my arms. Xander whirled around, grabbing a large rock off the path. He chucked it at the first member of the Chosen that came charging out the door.

  The lead man fell back, crashing into the people behind him. “Come on, Xander,” I yelled, running for the car with Rini as dead weight in my arms.

  “Oh, my God! Is she all right?” Lana cried as I shoved Rini in the back seat and scrambled in after her.

  “She’s fine. Xander’s coming. Take off as soon as he’s in.”

  “But…”

  “Just shut up and get ready to drive!”

  Two seconds later, Xander came thundering down the path with the Chosen hard on his heels. He managed to dive into the car and lock the doors, but before Lana could hit the gas, the vehicle was surrounded.