Fangs for Nothing (Vampire Hunting and Other Foolish Endeavors) Page 13

  “Go! Go! Go!” I shouted from the back seat. The Chosen started pounding on the car, and I knew it was only moments before they’d smash the glass.

  “I can’t,” Lana cried. “I’ll kill somebody.”

  “Better them than us,” Xander growled. He jammed his foot over to her side to stomp on the gas, but then froze.

  There was Short Vincent standing in front of the Dart with his arms raised to command his followers. “Children, listen to me,” he called in a seriously stentorian voice. The mob immediately quieted down and stopped attacking the car. “No one is a captive here. If these Chosen wish to leave, that is their choice.” As he lowered his arms, I swear he looked through the windshield straight at me and smiled. “You may leave. But remember, you are always welcome here. Always.” This caused Rini to come out of her coma a little bit, her head twitching to one side as if she’d heard him. “Now go, my darlings.” He waved his hands at the rabble. “Let us go back to the party. And leave our friends here to make their own decisions.”

  The crowd parted and started ambling, shame faced, back toward the bridge. Smiling at all of us through the glass, the vampire stepped to the side of the vehicle, bowed, and waved us on our way. Lana stomped on the gas, and we took off, hurtling into the night.

  Chapter 19

  “James Dean was a Nearling,” Rini insisted as Lana sponged blood from the oozing holes in her neck with a towel that was quickly turning pink. A Nearling, apparently, was someone who existed somewhere between being a human and being a vampire after repeatedly donating copious amounts of blood.

  “Oh, and that turned out really great for him!” Xander thundered.

  “He’s a cultural icon.”

  “He died when he was twenty-four.”

  “Stop shouting!” I yelled at both of them. We were all sitting in the kitchen, nursing our various ailments, and mine was a splitting headache.

  I couldn’t even begin to believe that the vampire had just let us go, but that’s what he did. As Xander directed Lana how to get back to his place, I’d fed Rini bits of cake. Initially, she was really out of it, and I didn’t want her to choke, so I pulled an old Eskimo move, chewing up the cake for her and then spitting it into her mouth. I know it sounds pretty gross, but dire situations sometimes call for slightly unhygienic actions. Once she started batting her eyes, I broke off tiny pieces of the dessert and coaxed her to eat them. By the time Lana pulled into the Hipshers’ long driveway, Rini was fairly lucid. She even wanted to walk into the house of her own volition, but Xander insisted on carrying her.

  As soon as we were all inside, Xander started freaking out, screaming at Rini. “How could you be such an idiot? How could you let that thing bite you?”

  Rini glared at him, showing absolutely no remorse. “You have no idea what the real world is like, Xander. With your Elvis good looks and your…” She waved her hand in the air at our surroundings, “… damn multi-million-dollar mansion.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “Everything!” Rini shouted. A big angry tear rolled down her cheek, and then she said in a much more subdued voice, “I want to be pretty, okay? I let the vampire bite me because I want to know how it feels to actually be attractive for once in my life.” She wiped her face and then glared over at me. “You know how it is, Sherbie. Tell him.”

  Lana glanced in my direction, and I knew my cheeks were crimson. It was so nice of Rini to point me out as the other ugly toad in the room. “Um…” I floundered.

  Xander gave Rini a bewildered look. “But you are pretty. You know that I think …”

  “Oh, go screw yourself!” Rini cut him off. “There’s no way you could even begin to understand how I feel.”

  “I understand,” Lana said in a quiet voice. I couldn’t even believe my ears. Lana got prettier every second I knew her, and there she was saying she understood.

  “Oh, please. Get serious, Lana,” I grouched.

  “I am serious.” She gave me a hurt look. “If I was a super hero, I would be called Invisible Girl. Every guy in my high school just looks right through me.”

  I found her statement completely ridiculous. Even after having been drugged and then sleeping on a cold stone floor and then running for our lives, she was still beautiful. “You’re gorgeous,” I told her. “How is that even possible?”

  She sighed. “I don’t know.” Rini’s neck had finally stopped bleeding, so Lana threw the towel into the sink. “When I transferred schools in sixth grade, I somehow managed to offend two of the most popular boys in my class. I mean, I’m not even sure why they’re popular because they’re both total tools. But anyway, they went out of their way to make my life miserable and to guarantee that no boy would ever like me. And…” She looked at the ceiling and blinked several times. “I don’t know. I guess having them pretend I wasn’t worth the time of day somehow really made me invisible. Seriously, I had to fly all the way to Cleveland to beg for a date.” She shrugged. “So I can totally see what Rini is talking about. I mean, all you’ve got to do is hand over a little blood, and you’re magically hot. That’s amazing. I’ve got to be honest, I seriously considered signing.”

  “Why didn’t you?” Rini asked.

  “I almost did, but then I was kind of scared, so I waited. Then the longer I waited, the more bizarre the whole thing felt, and then I guess I passed out or something.”

  “Okay,” Xander said quietly, his first calm words since we’d made it into the house. “We got away, and Rini, you don’t seem permanently changed or anything. I don’t think they’ll come after us. Not if they listen to that vampire. All we have to do is not go back there again. Ever.”

  “I’m with you on that one,” I told him. “I don’t want to read another vampire book or watch a vampire movie or sleep without a garlic necklace ever again.”

  “I guess it was pretty stupid,” Lana agreed. “I mean, it would be nice to be hot, but I don’t want to risk dying or anything.”

  “Good.” Xander gave her a nod of approval. Then his eyes shifted across the room. “Rini?”

  “What?” She looked up from where she’d been ruminating on something, picking at her braces with her thumbnail.

  “We’re all in agreement that we’re never going back to the vampire’s lair ever again. Right?”

  “Whatever,” she mumbled, slouching in her chair.

  Xander moved to stand right in front of her. He bent down and cupped her chin in his hand. “We’re all done with vampires. All of us.”

  “Yeah, sure, fine.” She jerked away from him, turning to face the stove. “Maybe one bite was enough anyway.”

  *****

  It was after four by the time I got home, and Grandma was so upset, she was just about to give birth to kittens right there in her Barcalounger. “Where in blazes have you been?” she thundered, hoisting herself to her feet. Before I could answer, she hit me with the classic, “Do you even know what time it is?”

  “Grandma, I’m sorry,” I said in the most calming voice I could muster. “We were all over at Xander’s watching a movie, and we fell asleep on the couch.”

  Grandma fixed me with a look. “Which movie?”

  “What…? Uh… Nothing interesting. I mean, obviously,” I hedged.

  “So boring that you can’t even remember what it’s called?”

  This was a classic Grandma line of questioning, and I should have been ready for it. She goes for details when trying to catch me out in a lie. “I’m sorry, Grandma. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I can’t remember the name of the movie, but it was starring Robert Pattinson. I can go look it up right now and tell you what it’s called.”

  “Don’t bring the internets into this.” She wagged her finger at me. “That computer is no substitute for a brain.”

  “I know, Grandma.” I went into placation mode. “I’m sorry. It’s just I’m really tired from sleeping on the couch, and I’m sorry I upset you.”

  “You’re ground
ed,” she told me.

  I took it stoically. “For how long?”

  “For life or until I say otherwise.”

  “Fine. I understand.” She could lock me in my room until school started, and I was fine with it. All I wanted to do was be a good little grandson and stay the hell away from vampires.

  I must have not appeared chastised enough because Grandma added, “And don’t think I’m going to lend you the car to go driving around with that Kewpie doll you brought over here. Those days are over.”

  I knew by Kewpie doll she meant Lana, but I wasn’t too worried about that. Lana had said that there was a strong possibility her father would send her home on the first plane. “Okay, Grandma. I’m sorry.” Sorry was my mantra. There was nothing else I could do. Plus, I was in the wrong. I knew that. Grandma was probably worried sick. If she knew that I’d spent most the night in the clutches of a vampire, she’d probably have a cow to go along with those kittens, but there was no way I was going to fill her in on the details of my evening. “I have work tomorrow. Am I grounded from going to work?” I asked.

  Sighing, Grandma eased herself back into her Barcalounger. “You can go to work,” she conceded. “But bring me back a copy of this week’s schedule. I want to know when you’re supposed to be there.”

  “Yes, Grandma.” I kissed her on the forehead. “Are you going to bed soon?”

  “Not now.” She lay back, sinking into the chair and closing her eyes. “I think I’ll stay up a little longer. I’m not really tired.”

  I went to my room and sat on my bed. Got up, closed my door, sat on the bed again. My head felt like it was stuffed full of cotton. I couldn’t really think of what to do. Vampires existed. That alone had me floored. The fact that they not only lived in Cleveland but were recruiting human snack bags from the local teenage population was the total whammy. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.

  And what about Rini? Letting that bloodsucker feed off of her. Voluntarily. It was completely insane. And for what? To be pretty. To be popular. To not only have the opposite sex like you, but to have the confidence to know they like you. Lydia Sarducci had that confidence. It had only taken a couple of days from her being a schlub behind the meat counter to a glamouritte with guys lining up around the block to buy spareribs just for the chance to talk to her. What would it be like to walk into school at the end of August and not feel like a complete idiot? To have girls smiling at me across the classroom and trying to catch my eye. Girls leaving notes in my locker. Girls texting me. Girls flirting with me because they wanted to flirt with me and not just as some transparent scheme to get to Xander. And for what? Just a little blood every once in a while. That was nothing. Okay, there was the risk of death or severe life impairment or whatever the contract said. And the possibility of becoming a vampire. Becoming a wax-skinned weirdo luring kids under a bridge. That didn’t sound too good. Of course, Rini didn’t mind his skin. Lana didn’t seem to mind it, either. And maybe the risk of being a vampire wasn’t all that bad. I mean, James Dean went for it. He signed the contract. He shared his blood. And he was a Hollywood icon.

  With a start, I realized I was thinking about signing on with Short Vincent. I mean, I was really thinking about it. Almost like I was still under the influence of the champagne. I knew I’d never fall asleep. I couldn’t just lay there in bed watching shadows cross the ceiling. I had to do something to keep my brain occupied.

  I stood up and walked over to my desk. Grandma was still in the living room, so there was a good chance she would hear the bong, bong static of my dial-up, but I decided to go for it anyway. I always found surfing the net was a good way to get out of my own head.

  As soon as I got a connection, there was a message from Lana.

  Turnover: You there?

  Sherbert: Just

  Turnover: Did Grandma freak?

  Sherbert: Yep. I’m waaay grounded. You?

  Turnover: Super angry Dad over here.

  Sherbert: Grounded?

  Turnover: Not sure. Mom is usually the disciplinarian.

  Sherbert: In San Francisco?

  Turnover: San Diego. She’s on a “break” from us.

  This threw me for a moment. Lana had mentioned her father but not her mother, and I guess I knew why. I felt bad for her. Lana was dealing with family crap and probably came to Cleveland to get away from the drama, not deal with the undead. Divorce and vampires was kind of a lot in the same month. I thought I should say something supportive but wasn’t sure what.

  Sherbert: Sounds sucky.

  Turnover: Definitely.

  I couldn’t think of anything to say after that, so I just sat there staring at the screen.

  Turnover: You think Rini’s okay?

  Sherbert: I guess.

  Turnover: Can you believe she signed?

  I thought about the right thing to say. Did I deny that I found the blood contract incredibly tempting or did I admit to it?

  Sherbert: Yes.

  Turnover: Me, too. I’ve been thinking a lot about it.

  Sherbert: Me, too.

  Turnover: Can’t really think about anything else.

  Sherbert: Me, too.

  Turnover: Part of me really wants to sign.

  It would have been easy to keep writing me, too, and that’s what I almost did. But the whole Lana-thinking-she-needed-to-have-some-vampire-bite-her-so-that-she’d-get-better-looking thing was just crazy. The guys in her high school sounded like total dillholes.

  Sherbert: That’s crazy. You’re gorgeous. A vampire you would be too much.

  There was a long pause. It was so long, I started to curse the false security that chatting on the Internet gives you.

  Turnover: I didn’t think you liked me.

  And there it was. She wanted me to admit I liked her. I guess she was one of those girls who needed to feel like the entire planet was under her spell. She didn’t need special vampire powers; she was powerful enough already.

  Sherbert: Give it a few weeks, and half of Cleveland will be in love with you.

  Turnover: But not you?

  Why was she doing this? We had just survived a vampire attack. Well, not an attack but a vampire roofie with intent to attack. Then I remembered the kiss. Lana’s good luck kiss. We’d been so busy fleeing for our lives that I hadn’t had time to think about it and dissect its meaning. Was I just an idiot, or was there the vaguest, smallest, tiniest chance that Lana actually liked me?

  The whole thing just felt like too much. If I was honest, a huge part of me really liked her, and I didn’t want to risk getting my heart broken. So I lied.

  Sherbert: Oops! Got to go. Grandma’s orders.

  Turnover: Seriously?

  Sherbert: Yeah.

  Turnover: Call me tomorrow?

  Sherbert: Okay.

  Turnover: Good night.

  I logged off and went back to lie on the bed again. I still wasn’t able to sleep, but at least I had something to occupy my brain besides vampires.

  Chapter 20

  I had the funkiest, craziest, scariest dreams. I mean, real psycho stuff. Sometimes I was being chowed on by a flock of vampires; sometimes I was the vampire. In a couple of them, Lana, Xander, and Rini were in a burning building or on a sinking boat, and there was nothing I could do to save them. In the worst dream, Grandma was the vampire. Needless to say, I did not have a restful night. I was just finally hitting some solid REM sleep in the early light of dawn when I became aware that Grandma was in my room.

  “Herbert, wake up.” She tugged at the sheet that I’d twined around my legs.

  “Gah!” was the first word out of my mouth. I was going to protest more, but something about Grandma’s voice set off an alarm bell in my head. She wasn’t using her usual we-have-to-make-something-of-this-day voice or her you’re-getting-up-early-because-you’re-being-punished voice. This voice had a little hurt in it. Something was wrong. “What is it, Grandma?” I propped myself up on my elbows squinting into the morning light.
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  “Get dressed and meet me out front,” Grandma said in a tight voice.

  “What is it?” I asked again.

  Grandma shook her head as she left the room. “I don’t even know.”

  I pulled on some sweat pants and hurried outside. Grandma was standing on the front walk with a mop and a bucket full of sudsy water. For the briefest of seconds, her jaw trembled, and she was on the verge of tears. Then she saw me and immediately pursed her lips, blinking rapidly. “See what some damn hoodlums did to our house.”

  I joined her on the pavement and looked back at our home. Big red smears ran down the aluminum siding. Bloody, sticky smears. I scanned the ground and saw dozens of eggshells littering the flower beds. We’d been egged. Repeatedly. My stomach clenched.

  “Is it the Greeks, do you think?” Grandma asked. “Don’t they do something with red eggs?”

  “Uh, I think they just dye their eggs red at Easter. And just the shells. Not the insides,” I told her. “I don’t think it was them,” I added, hastily. I pretty much knew who had made the mess, and I saw no reason to vilify an entire nation in the process of soothing my grandmother.

  Our house was really just a one-story nothing, but Grandma took great pride in its appearance, keeping the yard neat and well tended, so I knew the egging cut her to the quick. She made a long, stoic sniffing sound, and I could tell she was fighting back the hurt. “I just don’t understand why anyone would do something this disrespectful. It’s just so…” Her voice began to waver, and she broke off mid sentence.

  I felt bad. I mean, I felt really bad. Grandma was upset, and I couldn’t even explain why it had happened. I put a hand on her shoulder to steady her. She was not the kind of grandmother that would appreciate a hug at that moment, but I thought a little contact wouldn’t be unwelcome. “I think it was some jerky teenagers I met,” I confessed. “Once I got to know them, I figured out they were kind of weird, so I told them I didn’t want to hang out with them anymore. I think they probably did this just to be assholes.”